The Changing Role of Women.

A close friend (and fellow mum) and I manage to get out at least once a week for a morning run. As you can imagine we don't mind a chat along the way. This week toward the end of the run we began discussing the role of our mother’s in our lives. My friends Mum passed away 3 years ago due to a sudden and rare illness. She was an amazing woman, a mother of 5 who placed her own needs behind those of her family. She had a presence of patience and strength. I met her only a couple of times but you didn’t need to know her well to know these things about her.
As you can imagine these are big shoes to fill, as if our expectations of ourselves as mothers aren't already high enough. But my friends mum made one very important comment to her daughter that helped put things in perspective. “Things were different for me than they are for you.” She said “You really can’t compare.”

Women's liberation effectively pressed the fast forward button on the cycle of evolution for women; it ignited a different mind set in us and society. In just one generation women have gone through a amazing period of accelerated growth. From being passive to assertive, from unskilled in the work force to highly skilled, we now expect more of ourselves then ever before. We face many decisions that just simply didn't exist before. Previously if a woman chose to pursue a career it was after her family had grown, now we decide as young women what our careers will be and pursue them before the thought of having a family even enters our head. Our (relatively new) desire for independence often seems paradoxical to our most basic instinct which is to keep our children close so as to nurture and protect them. So how do we w to handle this when the fact is we are breaking new ground.

One of the biggest effects of this phenomenon has been what is often referred to as 'Mother guilt'. Choosing to go to work and pursue a career is emotionally challenging. You worry about choosing the right care arrangement and feel the anxiety of separation from your children (there go those instincts again)

Then there is the other side of the coin. Many mothers still choose to stay home or couples compromise and decide to juggle work schedules so that at least one parent is at home with the children. Staying at home can often leave you feeling detached from the adult world and with many other women out there pursuing a career, feelings of restlessness and deprivation can creep in. If you are juggling work shifts with your husband or partner then when is there anytime for you as a couple or a family? This also ultimately means that only one parent is on board at any one time which adds again to the strain.

So how do we manage this?

Being aware is probably the first step. Know that there are good reasons for your feelings and understand that they are there because of this sudden shift. Know that they are normal and almost every modern mum is experiencing them. Mothering has always been a hard job but it used to be much simpler, we have different expectations of ourselves and there are decisions to be made that never used to be there. Be aware that even once you have made the decision it won't always seem to fit. This is the paradox that has been created and it is OK, not always comfortable but still ok. Change often feels uncomfortable until it is adjusted to and we have to remember that this change has been sudden and is very recent.

The second step is managing your decision.

Human behavioural development is largely based on modeling our parents behaviours but this is where things get challenging for us as mother's today. So much has changed so suddenly that modeling our mums has become increasingly difficult while we will still largely model their general parenting style the changes that have taken place mean that we need to develop a whole new skill set in order to effectively parent and manage our decisions whether that be to stay at home or go back to work. The good news is that you already have these skills. That is the wonder of evolution. God made sure that when required we have the ability to step up to the mark and learn what we need to in order to move forward. From here we just need to refine these skills in order to make the transition easier for ourselves and our families

In the next issue of Optimum Life E-Zine we will discuss what is probably the most important new skill in motherhood. Time management - Parenting is big business

Leonie Spencer
April 2008

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